If you suspect someone you know is lonely, your support can make a difference. Loneliness is different for everyone, but feeling disconnected and alone impacts mental health and overall wellbeing.
Understanding why lonely people may be hesitant to reach out and knowing how to approach them is essential in bridging the gap and providing assistance. Remember, people experiencing loneliness might find it hard to connect at first, especially if they have been lonely for a long time.
Why someone might be lonely
Loneliness can stem from various causes, or it may arise without an obvious reason. Life changes often trigger feelings of isolation, such as:
Losing a loved one
The end of a relationship or divorce
Moving away from friends and family
Lacking a support network
Cultural or language barriers
Retirement
Being a caregiver
Health issues that limit their ability to engage in activities they enjoy
Mental health concerns such as low self-esteem or anxiety
However, loneliness doesn’t always require a clear cause. It’s possible to feel lonely even when surrounded by friends and family.
How to tell if someone is feeling lonely
It can be difficult for someone to admit they’re feeling lonely, but there are some clues. They may be lonely if they:
Have a significant change in their routine (e.g. getting up a lot later)
Appear sad or depressed
Neglect their appearance or personal hygiene
Are not eating properly
Continually put themselves down
Withdraw and isolate
They may also offer subtle clues in conversations and state:
"I don't have anyone to talk to."
"I feel left out."
"I don't think anyone understands me."
"It would be nice if I had someone to do this with."
"Everyone seems busy with their own lives."
"I don't want to burden you."
They may also indicate they spend weekends or holidays alone.
Why someone might not ask for help
Loneliness can feel isolating and shameful, leading people to hide their struggles. Common reasons include:
Fear of rejection and worry about being dismissed or misunderstood
Feeling as though asking for help signifies weakness or burdens others
Not being aware of their feelings or realize how loneliness is affecting them
Negative responses or experiences in the past, making them hesitant to reach out to anyone else
What you can say
When approaching someone who might be lonely, choose words that show empathy and create a safe space. Some examples include:
"I've noticed you've seemed a bit quiet lately. Is everything OK?"
"I'm here if you ever want to talk or just hang out."
"Would you like to join me for coffee? It's been a while since we caught up."
"I want you to know I'm thinking of you. Reach out if you need something."
The key is to be genuine and patient. If you offer assistance, follow through and be available. If you say something like, "Call any time," you must be OK with receiving a call late at night when a person may have difficulty coping with their loneliness. Otherwise, set boundaries and suggest, "I usually go to bed by 11 p.m., but call any time before then."
Avoid saying things like "Just snap out of it" or "You're not alone" in dismissive tones, as these phrases may feel invalidating.
Ways to assist
Beyond words, actions can play a pivotal role in helping someone combat loneliness.
Be present. Sometimes, just sitting with someone or sharing a quiet moment can alleviate their sense of isolation. Simply being the person who shows up can mean everything to someone who is lonely.
Include them in activities. Invite them to casual outings like a walk, a movie or a shared hobby. Low-pressure events can make it easier for them to participate.
Connect through technology. For those unable to meet in person, regular calls or video chats can help bridge the gap and can keep people connected.
Encourage interests. Suggest joining a local class or community group. Many lonely people may not be aware of these groups or they may feel awkward going alone. Offer to accompany them on the first visit.
Be consistent. Loneliness isn't solved overnight. Regular check-ins show you care and build trust over time.
Active listening
Being present and listening without judgment can have a profound impact. Let someone talk about their feelings at their own pace and affirm their emotions. Phrases like, "That sounds really tough," or "I can understand why you'd feel that way," can encourage openness. It’s OK if you’re not an expert. You don’t need to “fix” a person who is lonely.
Encourage professional help
If you believe loneliness is affecting someone's mental health, gently suggest seeking professional guidance. You might say, "It could be helpful to talk to a counselor. They can provide more tools to navigate what you're feeling." Provide resources you may know are available or assist the person in finding them. If they are working, ask them if their employer offers an employee assistance program. An EAP is a great place to start.
Remember, reaching out to someone who is lonely is an act of kindness that can transform lives. While it takes sensitivity and patience, the effort to show someone they're valued and cared for is always worthwhile. Even small gestures can create a ripple effect, spreading warmth and connection in a world where many are yearning for understanding.